My Riffs

One lesson I’ve learned as a parent is kids will learns far more from my actions and behaviour than what I say.  What matters most is the example I’m setting. My words matter, but what’s being caught is what my behaviour says. 

As a parent I have to protect but also expose my children enough that they can face the world on their own eventually. Oversheltering them won’t long term help them and overexposing them won’t help them at all. Finding a balance between the two that allows them to learn and grow with minimal mistakes and pain is the key. 

 Believe in people. Will they let you down? Possibly, maybe even likely. But keep believing in them. This is especially true in your children. Believe in them, let them know it. They need their parents belief in them or they likely won't succeed as adults.

We are defining what is normal for the next generation. This is true on a macro level, but on a micro level we are defining in our homes what is normal. Our children's judgements will based off of what was normal in their childhood. What you allow as the normal will be the default behaviour of yourself and everyone in your sphere of influence. Make that normal the best you possibly can. Talk about big things. Let it be filled with love and joy. Be generous. Be hopeful and kind.

When I think about teaching, I immediately think of a teacher and a whiteboard or chalkboard even. I picture that teacher explaining some foreign concept to hungry pupils.  As a parent though, teaching looks much much different. And I think the vast majority of teaching looks different. We want to teach through wise words and examples. And I cannot overemphasize how importantt our words are. Words can kill or bring to life, they’re so important.  But I think we end up teaching (or learning) through observing actions rather moreso than listening to spoken words.  I think we remember more of what someone did, than what someone said.  We disregard what someone says when their actions don’t match their words. Which means we place more emphasis on actions.  So parents and leaders are teaching more simply by how they act out in the world, then by what they say. We need to make sure our actions match our words. And we need to make sure that we confes...

Mistakes are generally seen as a bad thing. What makes them bad though is leaving them simply as a mistake. What makes them good though is turning them into a lesson learned. A mistake that turns into a lesson learned isn't a waste. Mistakes can be valuable teaching tools. We need to remember that as people who make mistakes. We also need to remember that as teachers. If we help those under our care to learn lessons from their mistakes, we are helping them. If we handle mistakes wrong, they are simply a negative experience. We can turn them into a positive experience by making them a lesson learned though.

It's possible to take different routes to the same end result. Sometimes we let other peoples routes completely distract us. If somebody isn't doing it the same way as you, wait and see, they may end up with the desired result. Yes, people take wrong paths, but it's usually recoverable. It's an opportunity to learn. If someone is on a fatal path, by all means shout, scream and wave your hands to get them off it! But if someone is merely taking a different route, try and trace out how they could conceivably get to the end result desired. When we insist on those around us doing things the exact same as us, we hamper the creative process and discoveries to be made from that process.

I recently heard a statement from one of my favourite thinkers, Jordan B. Peterson. He said in short that stronger is better than safer.  This struck a chord with me. So as a parent my duty is to make sure my kids are completely safe. No questions asked, that's my job. But more so, I need to make sure they're strong. I can't always keep them safe. But if I can make them strong, then they will be both strong and safe when I cannot keep them safe. There's a balance here. But in keeping someone safe, make sure you're not making them weak. It's more important to make people strong over safe.

My kids don't seem to have the understanding of the fragility of certain objects and materials. Broken toys are a very common occurrence. Understanding how and when things break is something we have to learn. This knowledge doesn’t seem to come naturally. Adults can fail to learn this lesson properly too though. When adults don’t know limits, we break things and even people some times. We need to know the limits of people. We need to know the limits of our influence. We need to know the limits of our strengths and weaknesses. We need to learn the limits of our given authority and roles. Overstepping limits always breaks something. So kids have to learn when toys break, and adults have to learn when much more precious things break.

Who relies on you? We all have people who rely on us in one way or another. At work our co-workers rely on us. At home our family relies on us. In every role we hold, someone is relying on us. Leaders, spouses, friends, parents, etc all have someone relying on us. What are people relying on exactly? As a father my family is relying on me to provide for them, so we could say they are relying on my provision. Which is completely true. But what I think people are actually relying on is our character. People are relying on you to do the right thing, to have morals and character. That's really what they're wanting and needing from you.

The best way to initiate action is by compelling someone to action. Compelling is a fuel that lasts the longest and is most efficient and takes you the furthest. When you have to demand action, you have already lost. It's an admission that the attempt to compel did not work. Oftentimes it is better to invest in the message, the plan to compel action, rather than invest the energy to demand something. The cost of a demand is the future.  The cost of compelling is the present. The reward of a demand may be the short term present. The reward of compelling should be the long term future.

Maybe one of the very best universal metrics is engagement. It's naturally one of the most difficult metrics though. Engagement isn't always quantifiable. It's not often tangible. But it's super important. Teachers, marketers, leaders, parents. If we could easily access the engagement metric, we could be so much more effective. The engagement metric is usually pieced together from various clues. Body language, retention, buy in, attitude and etc. Very difficult to get accurate measurements, but when you can engament can provide invaluable insights.

Humans need boundaries. When we are really young or unlearned, we need boundaries to be formed for us. And you will see younger people push up against those boundaries to test them and see if they hold, or if they really need to be there. The goal is to get people to a point where they can develop these boundaries on their own though, so at some point they stop pushing and testing every boundary, but that they learn to abide by the boundaries they have voluntarily set. It's part of salt-actualization and self-opining. This is where we need to help people develop to. You want your children to be good at decision making and boundary creating on their own. You cannot be there to set every boundary and make every decision for them. Getting them to a place where they are good at that on their own is the goal. This expands out further past just child raising, it goes for leaders and influencers. You want people to come to a point where they become well functioning, good decis...

As a parent the temptation is to try and lead my children to being the same as me. That however is an unfair goal as no two people are alike. The world they will grow up in will be far different from the one I grew up in. They will deal with challenges I never dealt with. So in that, one of the best things I can do for them is to help them build a value foundation. To help them self actualize. To help them develop proper opinions. The world they will be navigating will look different and my toolset may not do in their world. But I'm confident my values and fundamentals will suffice and ultimately will be what will allow them to flourish. Leading to help one self actualize is one of the greatest things you can do for someone.

It's a problem, yes. But the problem isn't what's at the front. The heart of the matter is where the problem is. The immediate and visible problem is only the symptom. Protests, demonstrations, violence. These are all symptomatic. The heart of the issues must be found in order to address the visible and obvious problem. Ignore most of what you see when diagnosing the causation. Try and trace what you've seen back to its origin. That's the problem to address.

If you are asking someone to give something up it helps the process when you provide a replacement. If you're asking them to give something up, the inference is there is something better. Help make that clear to them. This is something to work towards as a parent. It's easy to demand things from our children. But a lot more learning is happening when we follow demands with the trade. And make sure they understand what they're trading for.

Your actions carry weight. Every action comes at a cost and with a consequence. To help us be more aware of our actions, I think it's important to stop and ask ourselves, "who is relying on me?" There is always someone relying on you. Your actions and decisions affect other people, whether you want to or not. For parents, your children are obviously relying on you. But this applies to everyone, not just parents. Our friends are relying on us. Our co-workers are relying on us. Those within our sphere of influence are relying on us. Those coming after us are looking to the example we've previously set. Actions that have negative consequences affect more people than just ones self. Being aware of this should help form our decisions. Selfish acts ultimately hurt ourselves, but unfortunately there are other unintended casualties. Take stock, who is relying on you? Who is looking to your example? Who in the future will be following your example? Once you take ...

The best way to convince someone of something is to: 1) Love them 2) Live an example of what you're convincing them of It is said that children see what you do more than hear what you say. Our actions speak volumes. Saying something means little. Doing something means a lot. People will be convinced when they see you love them and they see you doing what you say.